I sat and watched a few kids play with Destiny and Colton around Ethan’s age. On the outside I’m smiling and laughing...but inside, it still hurts. I image what it would have been like to see my sweet Ethan play with kids his age and chase his big brother and sister. I don’t think it ever gets easier imagining the future for a child that never will be. The pain that lies within my heart still burns deep. Ethan’s name and memory has been mentioned a lot the last few weeks and I LOVE to talk about him. But in the quiet of my home or in the car I have constantly been shedding tears over my sweet baby boy. Brent watched my “year of Ethan” video yesterday while I was in the other room but I heard the music that I paired with it and tears flooded my eyes. In the video was the announcement of our pregnancy to our family at Easter. It’s been two years since that happy day! The tears that came from our announcement in Destinys eyes and the excitement in Colton’s voice as he announced “ I’m going to be a big brother, woohoo!” To think of such a joyous moment in our life, now brings sadness. You never dream about the announcement of a pregnancy ending in a heartbreaking life change. It really puts things in perspective when you hear about someone’s pregnancy after losing a child. I constantly pray for those around me with new pregnancies hoping all will be ok with their babies. On the flip side of it, going through what I have someone may come to me one day to seek comfort through their loss. You never want to think about it that way but the reality is, that it happens way more than we care to know. Until it happened to our family I never even realized it happened so often. It’s truly heartbreaking and I wish I had answers to why for myself and others but, I don’t believe there is one. Even if there were would it truly even comfort me? The only comfort I rest with is knowing that God does not promise us tomorrow here on earth, but he does promise us eternity in heaven with him and our loved ones.
I thank all of you who take the time to read these and catch up with our family and my journey through my grief and joy of our rainbow baby! I don’t know what I would do without all the love and support of you all who walk through this with us daily! The pain comes and goes and this blog has really provided an outlet for me to let it all out after the years have subsided!
