Happy 2 Months Ethan

Today marks 2 months since (one of the) Best and THE Worst days of our lives. We welcomed a beautiful baby boy into the world and also were told his condition of trisomy 18 along with so many things "wrong" with him. How can one day be so exciting and terrifying as this? It is THE worst pain we have ever felt and I don't think time will ever really heal it. I so badly want to curl up most days and cry, sleep and not say a word. I know this is not what Ethan would want from me nor does God, that doesn't always stop me from feeling this way. I am trying to hold it all together but I don't feel I am doing it very well. For those who ask how I'm doing, but know if I say I am OK or Good, Im not. That's just the honest truth. I miss our boy and I want him here. I want to be sitting with him now and watching him reach new milestones this month like trying to smile, finally recognizing things in his surroundings, finally holding your head more steading and sucking on your fingers. I want to be watching him grow and see your big brother play peek-a-boo with you and your big sister constantly ask "Can I hold him now?" Ethan Daddy, sissy and your big brothers miss you SO SO much! 

Today the family and I went and did our balloon release for his 2 month birthday. The kids both wrote sweet notes to him to attach to the balloons and then we wrote notes on the balloons. I made a new arrangement for his temp headstone and added a few sweet touches. Doesn’t seem like enough but it’ll do for now. Happy 2 months our sweet beautiful baby boy.We miss you our sweet Angel Baby!

Grief Brain

Well, I'll be honest, not much has changed since my last blog. I have been dealing with a battlefield of my own mind. I wish I could find a way to just shut off my brain when it comes to overthinking, I even had a hard time concentrating on the word because I will stop if it applied to me and begin to over analyze. It really is a burden when I am trying to really put effort into my relationship with Christ. I am reading the book of Psalms right now and I am really enjoying it. I can honestly say I know bible verses and stories from the Bible but I have never actually "read" the Bible. It's a life application study bible and I LOVE IT! I read this article talking about "Grief Brain." It seemed silly to read at first but then I realized I must have a bit of that going on. I am definitely not as sharp as I once was, because the emotion of things going on in my head and gears constantly turning all are happening in the midst of a fog. It's a strange feeling to have on top of everything else I feel. I think If I constantly keep my mind in the word I can make it out of this stronger than I was.
I believe I have lost track of the journey I was already on with Christ before Ethan's death. Though my journey is a little deeper now, my goals are still the same. To glorify Gods name, to grow in my faith and relationship with God and that one day my reward will be going home to heaven, which will be so much sweeter with Ethan there. At the beginning of this all I waned to know answers about heaven and answers to why and how because of Ethan. Now, I just am trying to understand those things because I just honestly never had the knowledge. (Don't get me wrong some days it's because of Ethan too.)
I have wanted to be as positive as possible over the last two months, its definitely been hard because life around me is still going on as if Ethan was never here or died. I am constantly distracted by negative people and things trying to knock me down. I am going to use it for motivation to keep striving to get stronger in my walk and become a better wife and mother for my children. The devil knows I am distracted right now and I think he is using things to distract me from what I am trying to accomplish. I am still working on a few projects in honor of Ethan, but there has been SO much distraction, and honestly there are some days where I just want to lay down on the couch, watch TV, take naps and do nothing, that honestly is the worst thing I can do because I just get down. I am so thankful for the amazing friends and family that have just wrapped us in love. I am thankful for the positive and uplifting things people will say to me and just help me get through another day, so many reaching out and checking in on me really means the world to me. I do not know how I could've gotten through this without the people God has placed in my life before, after and during this time.
Thanks for everyone who has followed along with me in my blog and I may not be writing as frequently but I hope you enjoy when I do. Please feel free to share my blog on your page also.

Ethan Henry Skaggs Memorial Fund

Trust

Well we are on our last weekend since Christmas break with the kids and we are getting ready for our daily routine to set in. I have to admit, I have mixed feelings about it. But I think I will always feel this way when things begin to "change." Each new season, kids school break, new school year and even going back to work is going to be a major adjustment. It's always going to be hard learning to adjust to our new normal. I am ready for the routine to be set and going with the kids, but I am not going back to work just yet. I am glad so I can finally have time down time by myself to really process and get things done before time to go back, but I am also a little nervous. My emotions have been up and down. I have more good days than bad but I feel like when there is a big event or something major that changes my daily routine I feel myself getting down. I hate that part about grief. 
I am always overthinking every little thing as well as trying to control the situation. I think having ZERO control over Ethan's health and not being able to fix everything has really made my control/anxiety worse. I have been making sure to read my daily devotionals and keeping my head in the word so that I will remember God's promises. But here lies the problem...Can you trust God and also be in control of your life at the same time? (if thats a thing) What I mean by that is do you sit back and just let life happen? How do you say “Lord let your will be done”, and also say God knows the desires of our hearts. Does that mean that his will and our desires will be the same?
 I have always struggled, an I mean really struggled hearing God. Sometimes I will say "Ok God, you have control and ultimately you are in control and let your will be done." Then there goes my brain again, researching, wondering and thinking. It's like just when I think I have peace, I start to think again. So I am wondering, is that the devil trying to trick me into not trusting God?" Could it be God telling me ok don't give up just yet? I don't know, I know God has never steered me wrong in life and I know that when I trust him it all works out for his good. But I also know that there is that little part of me that is just plain scared. I guess because of Ethan being born with Trisomy 18 and him being taken from us so soon, I am scared of...well basically everything right now. So I think I have reservations at just feeling like it's all going to be okay. Its so hard to hear God, maybe Im just not letting myself hear him, maybe its just me not trusting him completely somewhere deep down and I don't even know it. Please pray for me that I can hear God's plan for what's next, so I can truly trust him and give him all control over my life.

After I published this blog I came across this on the internet. If you have the time take it to read.

http://theprayingwoman.com/when-trusting-god-is-hard-4-things-you-should-realize/