Finding Peace

I’m sitting in the car as Brent takes Colton into school and I came across this.....

“God, bring comfort and peace. Peace is your essence. Peace is your name. Bring peace to our family who has lost their precious child in death.We come to you, God because we know that you sorrow, and are acquainted with grief. You too have endured the loss of a child. You empathize.We can’t help but ask, “Why?” Forgive our insistence, our confusion, even our anger. We believe that you are just, and we ache to understand how this tragic death is an expression of that justice, how it expresses your love. We also know – in our minds at least – that you seldom answer the “why?” question. We press you, but on these matters you are mostly silent.What we ask instead is “how?” How can we move forward? How can this bring us together and not tear us apart? How can we now live under the shadow of this untimely death? Answer this prayer with your comfort and guidance.There is no way to remove the pain. The grief is real. The only sanity is to know, to believe, in a life beyond with you, when all the scales are righted and the sufferings are made good. We trust you and your promise that while this child’s life on earth is done, his life beyond has just begun. With that release we lose him and let him go into your arms, then by faith receive in return the boundless comfort of your presence. That is all, that is enough. In Jesus.”

I do believe God has been silent when I have asked “why”? 

But I will remain steadfast in asking God “how”? I want to know how we will all go on without Ethan? How we will find comfort in the midst of our pain? And how can I receive peace from this tragedy, begin to heal and stop being angry? I pray God will give my family and I guidance and peace. I want God to heal my heart so I can lean not on my own understanding but trust in him and him alone. This journey will be hard, my nights are much tougher than my days but in him alone I know I can make it through. God has always shown us the way and I know you always will.

Your birthday 11/17/17

Thursday, November 16th, 36 weeks 4 days and only 4 days till my scheduled induction date.I was scheduled to be induced early because my doctor said with my polyhydraminos and Ethan's belly measuring smaller than it should be it was best to let him come at 37 weeks since I would be considered full term.
I woke up feeling today was the day. I didn't quite feel right. Something told me Ethan would be coming soon. I went to work as normal, but walking around and doing as much as I usually did was not in the cards for me. By the time I made it home around 3:00 pm I started tracking my contractions. They were 3-4 minutes apart. But a part of me was still in denial this was really labor. I began making our family "bear" shirts so we could have them to wear when we went home after Ethan was born. Brent made it home from work and he asked if I called the doctor to see if we needed to go to the hospital, of course I had not and decided to continue to wait. Around 8:00 pm I finally called the on call nurse, "sounds like active labor to me" she said. Brent loaded up the hospital bag, the car seat and diaper bag and the kids and I all loaded up and headed to the hospital. 
My contractions were getting stronger as we sat waiting in triage while they got us a room ready. We finally made it to labor and delivery by about 10:00 pm. My sister Melissa came and picked up Colton and Destiny since it was so late and we decided it was best for Destiny to just go to school like normal Friday, little did I know God's hand was in this decision. We had planned to have her in the delivery room when Ethan was born, I cannot imagine her being in there knowing what would happen next. My parents came up to the hospital and sat in labor and delivery with us also. I was determined to have this baby without an epidural this whole pregnancy and to hopefully go into labor naturally. Labor was so intense and Brent was amazing sitting by my side the whole time. Everything seemed normal, labor was progressing just as it usually had with the last two pregnancies. I finally decided to get the epidural since my labor was so intense. About 30 minutes after the epidural my water broke, I went from a 5 to an 8 and it was time to push quickly after. 
The nurse said Ethan was "not happy in there" and they got me ready quickly. I could feel Ethan coming and later what would be labeled an "explosive birth" he came out almost before the doctor could catch Ethan. With my polyhydraminos I had way more fluid than I could ever need and because of this it caused him to come VERY quickly. 
My heart stopped, Ethan was not crying, MANY staff members including nurses and the doctor gathered around Ethan and I panicked. I didn't hear it but Brent said they called code blue, I didn't even see Ethan's face. Brent would later tell me when he came out he was blue. I sat there waiting in tears wondering if my baby was breathing and alive. No one said anything to me as I laid there helpless to see and hold my newborn son. Brent was finally able to go and see him on the other side of the room and took a picture once he began to breathe. Just in enough time for them to take him away to NICU. The photo he took made my heart drop, he was so tiny and there were things that didn't look quite right, i couldn't figure out what it was. It was within the 1st hour the neonatologist came into the L&D room to begin going down a list of things "wrong" with my baby boy. None of which i even understood, none of which even he understood. He couldn't explain what was going on with our boy but that he would be transferred to Cook Children's Downtown. 
It was 3 hours before I ever even laid eyes on our sweet Ethan. He had a breathing tube in his mouth and was hooked up to all kinds of things I had never had even seen in my lifetime. With everything going on with him being hooked up all I could do is pray over my sweet boy. Teddy bear transport then took him to Cooks. 
We sat at Texas Health waiting for him to arrive at Cooks and hopefully get word on what was going on. I was not able to be discharged from the hospital till 12 hours had passed since his birth, Time stood still. Before being discharged we got the life changing call from Ethan’s doctor at Cooks. TRISOMY 18. 
I can’t begin to explain to you how long that phone call seemed to last as he went down a list of everything that would eventually determine his few short days on earth with us. I couldn’t listen to the entire phone call, Brent had to finish listening for us as I broke down and felt my world fall apart. 
How could this happen? The doctor never said anything was wrong my entire pregnancy, everything seemed to be going as it should. How did this happen? Why? I had wished this was just a nightmare and that I would just wake up. Brent and I held each other tight and and cried for hours till we got to our boy.

Ethan Henry Skaggs
11/17/17
4lbs 13oz 17 inches long
Born at 1:24 am 

Happy one week our sweet Angel

We made it through our first thanksgiving without Ethan here, God must've just numbed my body to make it through. It was the first day I didn't spend crying off and on, I did find some peace in not having tears rush to my head over and over. But it also felt wrong, as if I was forgetting him. But today I woke up and the emotions came back again,
Today marks one week since Ethan was born. I still have moments of disbelief that this is really all happening. My emotions are a constant roller coaster. Today we should be celebrating his one week birthday, but instead we are spending this day planning his funeral services. It isn't fair we have to plan for a funeral instead of celebrating him here in our arms. We are trying to take each day one step at a time, but we also have to face the reality of it all. I constantly look at all our photos of Ethan and smile knowing we got to have the privilege of holding him, kissing him and snuggling him. Not all Trisomy 18 parents get this opportunity.
I keep telling myself this is not good bye, but we willl see him again someday. It’s just so hard when each normal daily routine such as bedtime prayers or reading a bedtime story with Destiny and Colton brings tears to my eyes as I think of the last time I did just these things with him in my belly anticipating his arrival to our family.  Ethan I miss you so much it hurts.


We will be holding a memorial service for our sweet Ethan. We welcome everyone who would like to attend in remembrance of our precious baby. 

Memorial Service

Saturday, December 2nd 
12:30 p.m
Bluebonnet Hills Funeral Home and Memorial Park 
5725 Colleyville Blvd 
Colleyville, Tx 76034


In lieu of flowers please consider donating to the Ethan Skaggs Memorial Fund.

https://www.gofundme.com/ethanhenryskaggs

The day our heartbreak began

Ethan Henry Skaggs

Born Friday, November 17th 2017 @ 1:24 am. Ethan was taken almost immediately to NICU at Texas Health Alliance and transferred very quickly to Cooks Children's NICU Downtown. We were told his diagnosis through a phone call from his Doctor at Cooks before we were even discharged from Texas Health Alliance.
Trisomy 18, a diagnosis that will forever change our world. This is a genetic disorder that is terminal, the end result is always the same. There were options given to us on how to handle his condition and most of them required us to make decisions for him we did not feel was fair to have to do as parents. We prayed non stop for God to make all the choices for us as our hearts would never be ready. We quickly decided to dedicate Ethan to the Lord with all our pastors and close family and friends as quickly as possible. On Sunday, November 19th we were all able to gather together for dedication. Later that evening Ethan's little body showed us he was not strong enough to make it here in this world and I think God's hand was in each moment of our evening. Monday, November 20th Brent and I decided it was best to keep the day intimate with just Brent, myself, Destiny and Colton. We loved on Ethan all day. At around 3:00 pm the Lord called him home. This is not the end but merely the beginning for us. I plan to keep everyone updated on funeral services as soon as they are in place. Your continued prayers are forever welcome and we appreciate all your support and allowing us our privacy as we grieve the loss of our beautiful baby boy.