My blog is a journey through our unimaginable pain, grief and healing. We welcomed Ethan into our world on November 17, 2017 only to find out the diagnosis of Trisomy 18 at birth that would only give us 4 short days with our precious boy. We are learning to live again and find our new normal.
If there was ever a year I couldn't wait to say good-bye to, its 2017!
As my dear friend said" It's over, but never forgotten." It started off amazing with Brent and I doing Re|Engage at church, strengthening our marriage and growing closer to God, we thought this year will be the best YET! Then, Brent and I decided it was time to add to our crew! (Now if you ask him he said it was all him, and in his defense it really was him coming to me and saying "lets having a baby", but lets be honest, it takes two! LOL ) We made our way to Mexico to celebrate our marriage, our life and to finally take a trip without our kids and kind've have a honeymoon! The rest as they say...is history! I do want to end this year remembering "A Year of Ethan." From beginning to end our sweet boy was with us, and ALWAYS will be! I hope you can enjoy this video I made in remembrance of Ethan Henry Skaggs.
Well it finally happened....My hospital bracelet fell off. I knew it was going to happen soon because I could tell it was dry rotting. This was the last thing I wanted to happen considering how much the last 5 days or so have sucked!
I have been doing all I can to stay in the word to keep my spirits up. This morning I opened up my "peace in his presence" book and this is what I opened up to.
"Accept each day just as it comes to you. Do not waste your time and energy wishing for a different set of circumstances. Instead, TRUST me enough to yield to MY design and purposes."
The Lord gives strength to his people; the Lord blesses his people with peace
Psalm 29:11
I don't think things like this happen by chance. This HAS to be God! I literally told Brent this morning how sorry I was for being sad all over again and I am trying to move past it. He of course told me " Theres no reason to stop being sad. Remember its ok to not be ok, don't apologize for your feelings" It's ok to feel how I am feeling right now, it's all a part of the grieving process.
I think I will take 4 steps forward and 3 steps back more often than I know.
Everything triggers my emotions, music, words, pictures, thoughts, even my own dear sweet babies. Yesterday, my dad text me with this. I was happy and sad all at the same time.
I was reading this other amazing book called "Grieving the child I never knew" this morning In the section I read today it was talking about the two women who stood in front of king Solomon. The one who held a baby and the other a empty blanket.
1 Kings 3:16-28
It said sometimes facing reality is too painful and denying the loss is a temporary way to survive. Maybe when I am "ok" its because I am not fully dealing with the loss of Ethan. I know in the right time God will help me to face the reality and cope with loosing Ethan.
Grief is a funny thing. Just when you think you have began to deal with it and get to the last of the stages of grief, you begin all over again. No one can prepare for loosing their child, no one can even imagine if you have never picked out your childs' headstone and casket. Even as a mother I have dealt with Ethan's death much different than Brent and the kids. I carried him for 9 months, I felt him before he was born. Does it mean my grief is any more important? No, not at all, but yes, its different. I had to realize that because I feel like I'm the only one in the house sometimes crying DAILY! I am so blessed to have a husband and children who get it! We established early on with Colton, mommy is going to cry....ALOT!
I was very disappointed as you know that Ethans temporary headstone was not there on Christmas Day. We haven't gone to check it since then.
Well my Dad sent this to me and it's here! He went and spent some time with our Ethan and I am so glad he did because now we can plan to go visit him and see it for ourselves. I want to end this blog entry with a song that really speaks to me right now. I hope you all have a great rest of the 2017 year!
The truth of this day...I’m a wreck! I am so thankful and blessed for my babies here on earth and the joy they have today, but my heart is aching for my Ethan. We should be celebrating his first Christmas here on earth with us. We shouldn’t have to be spending today visiting him at his grave. It hurts so bad not having him here with us. I hold Destiny and Colton tighter today because of my pain. On Saturday Brent and I finally went and ordered Ethan's headstone, once you pay for a headstone they then place a temporary on the grave until the permanent one is in place. I spoke about in my other blog (mentioned Here) I was really sad visiting him without a headstone. So I asked them to try and get the temporary headstone placed by Christmas if possible and how much it would mean to me. So much to my disappointment there was not a headstone when we went to see Ethan today for Christmas. We had bought him some Christmas flowers just in case, the temporary has a vase and I was looking forward to making it look nicer.
If I am honest I have been crying since our candlelight service at church yesterday evening. It's been a lot harder than I had originally thought it would be at Christmas. This morning I made to sure to put Ethans blanket (that I sleep with and add thieves to nightly) and Destiny brought his bear ( that she sleeps with ) from the hospital on the couch with us as they opened presents.
Though today was wonderful to be with my Destiny, Colton and Brent we were missing Ethan and big brother Dustin so it just didn't feel much like Christmas. I sat this morning as we watched the kids play thinking I should be sitting here with Ethan, nursing, snuggling and completely exhausted from being up every two hours and being woke up at 6am from the kids to open presents. But I wasn't I was sad and I don't think I fully enjoyed this day as I should with my children. I hope in time the holidays will become less painful, but for now it's tough.
I hope that everyone enjoyed Christmas with their loved ones and that you don't take for granted one moment with your children no matter their age. Love on them, pray for them and be there with and for them all you can.
How strange it is to feel empty. I have heard people talk about it before, but never before now have I ever felt it. As I sit here in a eerily quite house I thought, "This is that empty feeling". A feeling of something should be happening or someone should be here but isn't. How can you feel so empty? Colton the other day says to me as were driving "Mom, you know what's really sad? Ethan never got to come home" Wow, the innocence of a child, but how deep his words are. It's the moments of emptiness I feel the loss of our son. Its the quiet house and empty heart that reminds me our son is gone from earth. I don't get nearly as sad as I once did, but the tears are flowing from my face now as I think of the everything we will never have with Ethan.
I found this picture today of the kids from 5 years ago and I thought, "This should be our kids today, except Dustin is older Destiny is now Dustins age, Colton is Destinys age and it would be Ethan in those arms." I hate this feeling, I don't wish it upon anyone. I have a hard time not having control of things, and this of all the things in my life has been the hardest. Knowing I couldn't save my precious baby Ethan. Knowing there was nothing anyone here could do. But I know God saved him, he is saved from the evil of this world, he is saved from ever having to live a life of sadness, heartache and pain. I am grateful for all of those things, but it still doesn't take away the feeling of emptiness in my heart here today, but I just have to have hope.
Last night before bed I looked at the time and realized we were coming up on one month since the arrival of our Angel Ethan. I posted this below on our social media to share, and wanted to include it here on my blog as well.
At this time one month ago we were preparing for our precious Ethan to arrive. Little did we know we would be sitting here tonight without him in our arms. 💔#ethanhenryforever17 #trisomy18angel #happy1monthmyangelbaby.
This morning as I got ready for church this song came on. I just thought that God was talking to me and telling me to "Be Still" This week I just kept looking for answers, and praying for answers. Literally to the point of making myself a little crazy. I have to remember that he is my refuge and my strength in all of this and no matter what I understand or don't understand I need to be still and know he is God and he will take care of me no matter what. I have to let go of what was or could have been and trust in him!
Brent, the kids and I went and visited Ethan at his grave today. We got a balloon and I wrote a message from each of us on there. Destiny said a beautiful prayer thanking God for taking him and keeping him safe. We let the balloon float off "into heaven to Ethan" as we told the kids. We stuck around a little bit while Destiny and Colton wrote in the dirt a little bit.
It's been hard for me to go to his grave right now because he does not have a headstone. I didn't think it would make that big of a difference, but of course it does. We tried to find a spot to put some Christmas decorations and a tree, hopefully since we don't have a headstone they won't remove it and throw it away. If this time wasn't hard enough with him being gone, its the holiday season and it just doesn't seem right without him.
I told Brent the other day, some days feel like a normal day since we are back into a routine but something always feels missing. Of course it's then I realize its because Ethan isn't here to grow with us as we have been planning for since we first decided to add to our family. I honestly don't feel like this is something that will get easier with time, I just think I will get stronger from it all.
Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." 2 Corinthians 4:16-18.
I am starting to realize why this week has been so tough. This Sunday will be 1 month since Ethan was born. I know time passes by quickly when your child is born and you bring them home, but the time has passed even quicker with him gone. I really have been struggling with why and how everything happened, weather at conception or after. Google is sometimes your best friend and also worst enemy. I’ve been doing so much research on his conditions. Also, this week sucked because Brent went back to work and the hospital bracelets we have been wearing, as its one of the things that connected us with him, he had to cut off because they were digging into his arm with his gloves at work. He asked me to cut them off cause he couldn't. How crazy is it to feel a little bit of heartbreak just cutting off a hospital bracelet? Were usually anxious to get those things off! I am not ready for mine to come off, and until I replace it with something in memory of him I probably won't. My friend Melissa suggested a great way to keep Ethan's memory alive. I am working on starting a "random act of kindness" card for Baby Ethan. It's in the works and I think its something I want to carry through the entire year. (2017-2018) If Ethan was here we would be celebrating his 1 Month, 2 Month (and so on) birthday month, milestones of crawling, laughing, cooing, etc. All the things we look forward to as parents. So since we are unable to do those things with him I want to be able to celebrate him in another way with EVERYONE. Once I get it going I will let everyone know, and I really hope you all can participate with us. Do you ever do the comparison of your kids of their baby pictures? I did it this week with Destiny, Colton and Ethan and I wanted to share it with y'all! Destiny and Colton look EXACTLY the same, lol. I wonder what Ethan would look like in 5 years? It's those little things I think about that just breaks my heart about not being able to experience.
I keep thinking what heaven is like. Will I get to raise my baby one day? Will he be grown? Will we be in human form? I just have no clue. So as I am thinking these things this week and I hadn't said anything to anyone, I received this message from my Dad. " Remember honey that according to scripture a thousand years on this earth is but a day in heaven. So remember that later on this day according to heavens time, we will be with our loved ones in heaven. You will be raising your child Ethan so there will be no time lost between you two." This was everything, and EXACTLY what I needed to hear to have peace! Maybe we don't know what heaven is like exactly and maybe not knowing is scary for someone like me, but knowing this will help me through each day.
One day I will hold you again Ethan, you will be healthy and strong enough to not need any of these tubes.....it will be just like this but tears of JOY! Mommy Loves You!
Today was a good day. Brent, the kids and I went and had family photos done. I had almost decided not to send out Christmas cards this year after loosing Ethan and not being able to send Family Christmas photos with him in them. But about sometime a week ago I felt like it was only right to still do family photos with our Angel Ethan in them even though he is not here on earth with us anymore. I decided to take a photo from Ethan's “now I lay me down to sleep” photos and have it blown up on a canvas to include in our family photos. The lady at the photo counter was so helpful and she innocently asked me if the photo was of my son and how precious he is, and them asked, how old is he? This was the first time to talk to a complete stranger about Ethan. I could’ve just said "he’s almost three weeks old", but I just word vomited and told her “oh, he passed away.” Her face immediately fell flat and she came to me and gave me a hug and apologized. How was she to know? She asked a question that is only natural for anyone to ask. The crazy thing is that I was ok saying it out loud. I find it therapeutic almost to talk about him, no matter the context. I guess its just my way of keeping his spirit alive. I don't ever want to STOP talking about him because he's not in my arms. Does it still hurt? Yes of course, but I don't want to just pretend he didn't exist. I have never loved someone or something so hard and so deeply for such a short period of time, so its hard for me to even remember those short 4 days sometimes because it was so brief. I don't ever want to forget about him or pretend it didn't happen. Its like that feeling when you have anticipated it for so long, like a wedding day and its over just like THAT. Its almost that same feeling, but accompanied by heartache and pain. Its hard to believe I was pregnant, carrying my precious baby just three weeks ago, and now he's gone. I guess its harder to believe it because I have "empty arms". So after talking to Brent when we were asked to "Look at him" in the photos he avoided looking because for him its harder to even look at the photos right now. I can't stop looking at them because of his brief time here I just want to burn those images in my brain daily and remember those precious moments of "awe" I had watching him sleep and breath. I look forward to sharing our family photos with you soon. <3 <3 ETHAN HENRY SKAGGS <3 <3
Monday, December 11, 2017 It occasionally takes me a couple days to complete a blog entry and I'm still learning how I want this all set up. But today I finished the above entry I started on Saturday and then I'm continuing from here......
After talking with a friend last night I realize more and more. I WANT to talk about him, I WANT people to mention Ethan. It's true in everything I read when they say this. So please say his name, ask me about his "smell", which crazy enough was like "Thieves". The nurse said it was the glue they used for his Picc Line. I don't care what it was I will always think of Ethan when I smell thieves. Its those small precious memories of him that will help me each day. Ethan was and IS our child, just because he's not here on earth doesn't mean he wasn't real to us, I think it helps me personally heal. I have struggled some days because some people don't know how to approach us or even talk to us. I don't think anyone does if they have not dealt with loosing a child, picked out a casket and buried their own child. Some people may be mad or upset with us because of how were grieving or how we have dealt with this loss. That's OK if they are, I have learned from many people during this journey thus far that we don't owe anyone anything. This is something we were never prepared for and how we deal with it is up to us, we are not to feel guilty or bad if its not how people think we should approach this journey. There is no right or wrong way to do this, all I know if that I am thankful for everyone that has done nothing but be there for us and ask nothing of us. Our wounds may not hurt as much as they did two weeks ago but let me tell you, the wounds are still open. It still hurts to think our baby is gone, it breaks my heart that we made room in our hearts and home for sweet Ethan only to come home empty handed. I used to think "how do people go through that?" I still don't know and we are walking this broken road right now. But I know God is for us and he ALWAYS has had a plan for us. He blessed us with each and everyone of our babies and though one is resting in heaven he was made in his image and one day we will know why his death was just a part of our journey.
“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those who are crushed in spirit.” (Psalm 34:18)
Today I just wanted to share a scripture and a few beautiful photos of our sweet Ethan. Today we are finally home from our healing trip to Chicago. We defiantly did what I wanted and stayed VERY busy the entire trip. I believe we got in over 60,000 steps and walked about 30 miles in just about 4 days. I am mentally and physically exhausted as you can tell from my previous post the last two days became emotional for me. I spent a lot of time looking at photos of Ethan and I Just thought I would share some with you all. I love you all and thank you for your encouraging words!
Isn't he just perfect? I will always love you Ethan!!!!
I have these moments where I feel as if Ethan was never here. I am so heartbroken we only had 4 short days with our boy. I know God is working on my heart daily. It doesn’t sting as bad as it did before when I think about him being here and gone. But nonetheless it still hurts. I Don’t know why I want to but I feel like I want to talk about my hurt and pain even though I know no one will ever be able to say anything or do anything to make it go away. It’s odd how talking about Ethan doesn’t make me sad but seeing others with their babies or watching others children be big brothers or sisters to their younger sibling is like a knife in my heart. I guess I am just still so sad for our children who lost their little brother. I am sad when I think of 9 months that I grew this precious life in my body and preparing to nurture him and care for him for his whole life. But yet here I am sitting In Chicago with my children and husband trying to get over this loss and I feel guilty. It’s like I know I’m my heart I should be caring for a baby and no longer have a baby here with us and I feel so out of place. I think that’s what it is. I spent this year mentally preparing for being a mom to an infant again and I am not getting to do that and it flat out SUCKS! I want to be caring for a newborn right now. I want to be a “mombie” who is running on coffee and Jesus to trying to function. Instead I’m getting 7 (still restless) hours of sleep, I don’t smell of spit up and dirty diapers. Everything feels so off because of all those little things. It’s the strangest feeling, I just feel sad and I’m missing Ethan tonight.
We are in Chicago on a trip just Brent, the kids and I to try and escape from all we have been dealing with the last 17 days. I can’t believe today marks two weeks since Ethan left his earthly body to be with our Jesus. Most of each day since the funeral feels like a normal day, until I see a stroller, or a pregnant woman. It’s then that I remember just 17 short days ago I was going into labor not thinking anything other than we will be bringing home a baby a lot sooner than planned. I don’t cry as much as I did just a few days ago, but I do have many sad moments when I remember we had Ethan in our arms days ago. Last night as I laid in bed with Colton as he slept I did find myself crying looking at him wondering what it would’ve been like to watch Ethan grow up and get to stroke his head like I was Colton’s in that moment. I began to cry feeling sad on everything I am going to miss out on with Ethan. It makes me wonder. Will I get to raise Ethan in heaven? Will he be my same baby boy just without pain and perfectly healthy? I wish I knew the answers of these things and that I knew EXACTLY what heaven holds for me. Mommy misses you my angel Ethan! 👼🏻
Today we finally lay our precious boy to rest. Oh Ethan, my heart feels so broken. I miss you more each day. I have moments that I think of how life would be here with you. Riding in the car with us, picking up the kids from school, watching Colton be big brother to you or even your precious cry. Destiny said you sounded like a goat when you cried. Oh, to only hear that precious cry again. I received a beautiful blanket embroidered with your name “Ethan Henry” as a gift from The Bufe’s. Yesterday I wrapped you in this blanket and laid you down for the last time, kissed you for the last time and felt your tiny body in my arms. Ethan your time here on earth was short but it impacted our lives forever. Lord, please wrap your arms around our family today as we say our good-byes, we will see you again someday.
