Hope!

There are so many things we have to be thankful for. Right now especially, is the death and resurrection of Jesus, our Lord and Savior. We have been able to spend our weekend with our kids and tomorrow we will spend time with our close family members here at our home. It's been so great sharing the gospel of truth with our community through our church, it's kept us busy this week and weekend thats for sure. 
But as my evening winds down I begin to think of what were missing...Ethan. 
Our precious boy, who this time last year we already knew was on the way. We announced our pregnancy on Easter Sunday with our family and to our kids who were over the moon about the new addition on the way. 

These were the "Golden Eggs that had a slip of paper revealing our pregnancy that we gave to family.

This would be Ethan's first Easter, and as true to tradition we would be taking him to get Easter Bunny pictures, picking out his first Easter outfit, and excited to sit him beside an Easter basket and take photos of him because he's just still too small to hunt for eggs. All of these things are part of the little moments we will never have with our son. It saddens my heart to know our life here is a little empty for another Holiday. But I have been trying to hold on to the hope of Heaven, the hope that one day I will hold my son again, and hopefully have an opportunity to raise him along side with Jesus and I have hope for the future that God already has mapped out for us. 

This morning as a got ready this song came on. The chorus is so great! I'm always saying, the pain I've been feeling cannot compare to the joy thats coming!

Would you dare, would you dare to believe

That you still have a reason to sing

Cause the pain that you've been feeling

It can't compare to the joy that's coming

So hold on you gotta wait for the light

Press on and just fight the good fight

Cause the pain that you've been feeling

It's just the dark before the morning

And I love this Verse too:

My friend, you know how this all ends, you know where you're going

You just don't know how you'll get there, so say a prayer

And hold on cause there's good for those who love God

I read something recently and I can't remember by whom, but they said "were not getting out of this place alive". And It's true. We all know how this ends, we don't know how we'll get there, but I know I have the promise of heaven because of my love and devotion for him! Because of that I know there will be JOY, hope and I trust in our God and in his plan!

I pray you all have a wonderful Easter, and remember what Easter is TRULY about. 

His life life and death was all a part of a greater plan! Thank you Jesus for your sacrifice to die for our sins!

HE IS RISEN!

Happy 4 Months our Baby Bear

Wow...it's been 4 months since Ethan came into this world. This month is honestly a tough one. This is the month Brent and I conceived Ethan and on Easter of last year we revealed to our family we were expecting our sweet baby! Mentally I have been Okay the last week and a half, but I think thats mainly because we were on Spring Break enjoying some much needed time off and away from reality. It's really hard to hit these milestones that we know Ethan should be here for, but thats just not the way it is. We all have to take it one day at a time and trust in the Lord's plan. Now, I know that there is always a purpose for his plan but it doesn't mean I like it. I may be able to express the words without crying right now, but there's very far and few between moments that I am not an emotional wreck that our baby is not here. If Ethan was here today I know he would be learning to roll over from tummy to back, reaching for toys and my jewelry as I held him. He would be changing so much in his looks loosing that "infant look" and beginning to sleep through the night...maybe? So many things I am missing right now that I wish I could be doing with him. Watching his brothers and sister love on him and tell him how much they love him. They still tell him how much they love and miss him all the time, but just not the way I would wish it could be...well I said I wasn't crying before, and now here comes the tears thinking of what were missing. 

This month is also Trisomy awareness month. We celebrated Trisomy 18 awareness day on March 18th (3/18) by all wearing our "Ethan Shirts". These shirts bring me so much joy, it's a way to feel like he's with me in spirit. This month is full of so much awareness of T-18 but I honestly know that Ethan was more than just a child with a diagnosis, Ethan touched lives...he TOUCHES lives daily! His life has purpose, his death...has purpose! 

Our precious boy is missed so much and there is not a single day that goes by that I don't think of him. Today I am missing him so much as I went back to work, especially as I go through things that used to have his name on it, but now is gone. Those little moments are the ones that really sting the most. I can go upstairs in his room and it's empty but its still his and still has all his things. Places that "used" to be for him is what makes it very real and really hard to stomach most days. I know God is working on me and healing my spirit day by day and pulling me back together. But I just can't help but miss what "was". The last year of my life was such a precious journey and now I am just having to get used to the new one God is preparing me for.

a new me

I have found myself feeling like I am not the person I was before Ethan. I spent the last 31 years discovering the person that I thought was and who God wanted me to be. Since Ethan's death I found myself feeling confused on who I am now. I thought I had somewhat found my calling a few years ago and now I feel like there is something more God wants to use me for. I think on top of feeling lost without our Ethan here, I am realizing there is something more I am meant to do. While some may find that to be exciting, I am scared. I feel like I am going to have to discover a new me before I can find that and I was just getting used to the woman God was molding me to be. The world around me is constantly changing, my kids are growing and entering new stages of life, family dynamic is always changing too. There is so much going on and with all of this I feel like some days I can't even catch my breath. Then, there are days where it all stands still, as if I am in a limbo wondering what God has in store for me next. I feel the attack from the devil more now than ever. You would think with loosing a child the rest would just be easy, but it hasn't been. I am constantly looking to God going, " OK God, If you can just put up a shield around my family and keep your guardian angels with us too, I would appreciate it." Its scary not feeling normal and feeling like you just can't handle anymore sadness, anger or DRAMA! I just need a break from reality! 

I am learning there is no one way to grief, no one way to heal and that I need to seek Christ first before anything. I have to admit its hard at times. I rely on my husband to be the one to meet my needs, when I know I should be looking to the Lord. I just know the bond we created while clinging to each other in that hospital as we wondered what was next I felt like we had that "oneness" thats talked about in the Bible. But now life is still moving and God I think keeps trying to show me we can still have that but that God comes first even before my husband. A friend recently reminded me of this when I was feeling down. It's so hard to do that right now when I am still questioning God why Ethan had to die, why him, why us and why now? Of all the people in the world, and all the love we had for him, why did he see it fit to choose Ethan. I don't think I will ever really know why here on earth. But I hope to have some peace so that I can look back to Christ in my suffering so I can find me again.