3 Months

It seems unreal that it's been 3 months since Ethan made his early arrival into this world. I can still remember the every detail of this day, and I hope I never forget. This unthinkable event has forever changed me, my husband and our three living children's lives. It's odd though, somedays (not like this last week) it seems like its normal for us not to have a baby at home. But I still long for it, more than I once did before his conception. God knows the desires of our hearts and as much as I try to press them down during grief I can't help but feel it. I want him to wrap his precious little hand around my finger like infant babies do, I want to smell his new baby skin and kiss his tiny little head. As a mother we always miss those things about our children as they grow old, but its a strange feeling knowing you just can't kiss or touch them again. I have never experienced loss like this, so its hard to think what this will feel like in 5, 10 or even 20 years. One of our kids today, as we were writing words of love on the balloon to release for Ethan said, 

'even when he is old will we still write these"?, but then stopped because it hit them that he will never "be old". So we will just always remember him as Baby Ethan and not just Ethan. 

When picking out his name Brent and I wanted a name that sounded strong and memorable. Not for the reasons we have now, but as a man how it would sound, as a father, college football player,(parents can dream) or whatever impressionable career he chose as a grown man. It saddens me even more thinking he will never have that opportunity here on earth, and then of course I still wonder. Will he get to "grow" in heaven? Or on the new earth one day? All of these questions flood my head as Im sure it does for most of us cause no one can really fathom heaven and whats to come in life after death. Whatever it may be, I pray that God can reveal things to me to help me have understanding, to help me feel peace, and help me to heal from this hurt.I have too many questions to ever be answered now and I hope to have peace that passes understanding. 

On a side note, Brent and I finally finalized Ethan's headstone and all that goes with it. So I am hoping that things will finally begin on their end and we will have his permanent headstone before too long.

Thank you all for your love and support you have shown us this week! 

Emotions

I’m just going to put this out there and say it how it really is for me daily. It sucks!
 I just can’t seem to get over this slump I’m in. I miss Ethan so much. Lately, I have been reliving the day of his birth and listening to all these doctors tell me everything wrong with him health wise. It felt like a nightmare and I just kept thinking... just wake up and this will all be gone.I think it’s natural to keep asking why? I know God has a plan for everything but I just don’t understand why Ethan had to die. Why couldn’t he heal my precious baby boy? I hate living with the disappointment and sadness our children feel, our family feels and even my husband feels. I hate that I can’t make their hurt go away. And even though I know it wasn’t my fault he died I can’t help but feel it’s my job to make the hurt stop for everyone in the midst of my grief. I read stories how people never stop hurting from the death of their child. Women’s stories of how 30 years later the hurt is still unbearable. I don’t want to have to live my whole life hurting from this, but I am just so angry and mad that my baby boy didn’t get to grow up, it’s just not fair! One day I will see him again... but will I get to raise him and watch him grow an get married and have children? I just don’t know and if I don’t my earthly body is sad because of that. I just want him back, Colton told me “Mom, I prayed Jesus would heal Ethan and bring him back to us”. It kills me inside that my sweet little boy feels this sadness and even has to pray that. I just don’t know how I will get through this.

The Story of you

The Story of Ethan Henry Skaggs



Ethan was meant to be a part of our family. Was it long enough? Not even in the least. If I could change the circumstances and allow him to be apart of our family for decades I would! There is a place in my heart that is forever empty because of his death. but there is also a space that was filled by his short lived life. "Getting on with life" has been hard, the kids even have good days and bad. One thing that is true, is Ethan has a story, from beginning to end. Each moment is and always will be a part of his story. Here's a little bit of the story of Ethan Henry.


Since Colton was 2 years old I began to have the desires in my heart to have another child, I felt as if our family was missing a little someone, at the time Brent and I did not see eye to eye on this subject. It's true when they say, God's timing is perfect, because I'm not sure what the outcome would have been had Ethan been born 3 years ago. We had been growing closer in our walk with Christ for about 2 years together. Our marriage had been broken and healed many years before but spiritually there was still need for growth. In 2017 Brent and I were in Re|Engage at church learning to grow closer spiritually with Christ and within our marriage. This was honestly such a life changing class for us. We learned about "oneness" and finally began to see the purpose of our marriage. In March Brent took me aside before our friends rehearsal dinner to talk to me. We had been trying to figure out new bedroom furniture for the kids and also trying to sell the old stuff. He told me he finally figured it out. He said "Ok, lets sell Destiny's bunk bed, move her into the room with the balcony, move Colton over to her room and get him a new bedroom set, and lets convert his bed back to a crib". "I'm sorry, what? Why would we put his bed back as a crib"? I asked. "For another baby, lets have another baby"! He said. I was so confused at his comment that I literally did not believe him. I told him not to mess with me because thats just mean! He was not kidding at all! I asked him what changed his mind? Brent has said many time he believes that God speaks to him through through others. He said he felt like God was telling him it was time to add to our family! Lucky for us we had a vacation booked for Mexico to FINALLY have a honeymoon...11 years later!
It didn't take long before we found out we were pregnant with Ethan and we announced this at Easter with our families, then to all our other friends and family on Mother's Day!
I know as years pass my facebook will continue to show when we announced our pregnancy, when we found out Baby E was a BOY, and all the sweet memories in between.It's going to be so hard knowing the anticipation for what we thought would be is no more... here on earth. I wish I could change it, I wish I could do something to make things different so that he could be here and we could watch him grow, go to school, graduate, go to college, get married and watch him with his own family. I wish all the previous mentioned was a part of Ethan's story. But that was not what we were given, I strive each day to try and find normalcy in each moment. I miss Ethan SO much, I wish I could've taken his place and taken his pain for him. I'm not sure why God called him home so early but each moment of his life had a purpose, a plan and as our pastor said he's " Preaching sermons daily" it's all a part of his story!