8 Months- Big Brother!

Today marks 8 months since Ethan went to be with Jesus. I know he is safe and without pain, but I miss him so much. We announced our pregnancy on July 11th to our families and we were beyond excited to finally share the news. Our kids have been waiting on pins and needles the last few months for us to say "WE'RE PREGNANT AGAIN". They are just as anxious to bring a baby home as we are. The MaterniT21 test went great, no trisomies and we are having a BOY! Next will be the anatomy scan at the end of August. I thought that having the first test done I would breathe more but I am still anxious, come to find out. I think of our kids and how I do not want them to go through loosing another sibling again. The pain that loosing Ethan caused on all 3 of our kids broke my heart. I don't want to see them hurt again by it so I think until Gunnar is here it won't really seem real that I'm pregnant. I pray hard every night that Gunnar is growing healthy, strong and that he will be perfectly healthy and will come home with us. I just have to have faith that God has given us the desires of our hearts. I've read this verse so much over the last 8 months: 

I have felt like this means exactly what it says, and that God SENT us Gunnar! It's only the devil trying to instill fear in me....and fear, is a liar!

On Tuesday we went and visited Ethan like we always do on his birthdate and made him this special ribbon, "BIG BROTHER!". 

It's hard to believe we are pregnant again when it seems like he was just safe in my womb not too long ago. I think being pregnant makes me more emotional than usual but also I forget sometimes its not him. Even the kids have came up to my belly and said "I love you Ethan, I mean Gunnar". Confused, because it wasn't too long ago it was him in there, when things were still ok, at least to our knowledge. It hasn't really dawned on me everything we missed out on with Ethan till just the last few days. Watching videos with random babies laughing, playing and learning new things reminds me that we lost all of those memories too. My heart still aches for him, but I am holding on to the promise of heaven with him. I am also holding on to this sweet boy growing inside me now that God has given us. We had a desire in our heart to have another child just over a year ago, and I know God will fulfill the desires of our hearts. 

7 Months

I think I am getting worse by the month on keeping up with my blog. I don't really know if its because I have been coping much better without Ethan, if it's because it's summer and we just stay busy, or a combination of it all. Either way, I am still missing our sweet boy but I think I have had a few moments of coming full circle. Like getting his headstone finished finally brought that chapter to an end. 

This month on Colton's birthday we received our "Molly Bear" that weighs exactly as much as Ethan did at birth. 4lbs 13oz. It is definitely more dense than he was, but the principle of it all pulls on my heart. We put the outfit that he was supposed to wear home, but instead wore when he went home to be with our Heavenly Father on the bear. It fit the bear just right and I just held that bear and cried a bit thinking of what it would've been like to hold my baby boy just one more time. 

I have been around a few babies lately close to Ethans age and I just think of all we are missing out on without him here. It definitely sucks but I have to remind myself he wasn't meant for this world. I think about what he will look like once I get to heaven and I honestly can't even imagine. A lot of that is because I still ponder whether or not the babies we loose with still be a baby in heaven or grown to be close to Jesus age. 

Today actually on my time-hop showed this day last year was our gender reveal day. We found out our little baby E was a precious boy!! Daddy was right....again! I am so thankful for all the sweet memories we have of Ethan even the ones when he was still growing in my belly. 

-Until next time-