Happy 9 Months Big Brother

*9 Months closer to seeing our baby boy*

(Destiny and Colton visiting with baby Ethan in NICU)

This month the kids and I went and visited our precious Ethan. This month we even got a bit of our growing baby Gunnar in on the photos. I look forward to visiting Ethan as its been helping me coupe with him being gone. I love that the tree near him is getting bigger and we get just the right amount of shade as we visit and talk to him. The grass is coming in nicely and its just nice to sit and feel close to him. 

 I miss his sweet little face and I cant help but wonder what he's doing up there in heaven. What would month 9 be for us if he was here?

 The big kids started school so he and I would be spending lots of undivided attention together. On my Fridays off and the kids at school he and I would be napping together, laughing, and I would be playing silly games like peek-a-boo and pat-a-cake. I don't know if I will ever get to do that with him...even in heaven. Will he be a grown man? Will be still be little? How does it all work? We will never know till our day comes to be with Jesus, but a Momma cant help but wonder. 

Some questions are left unanswered but I know that my God is a sovereign and great God. I have somehow made it through loosing my son, having to leave his lifeless body after only 4 short days being spent with him and placing his fragile body in the ground. If I can go through all of that I know God will get me through all trials in my life. There is no way I could have ever made it to where I am 9 months later with out my God. 

I worried for months on how my kids would ever get over this. They never had time to prepare, none of us did. They just knew they were getting a baby brother and soon after they got him, they lost him. But I see my kids smiling with joy and excited to meet another new baby brother. There is much innocence lost with being pregnant again but their innocence of still loving another brother is there and how could that be without Jesus!!!

 I always come back to this verse. Isaiah 66:9. I will not cause pain without allowing something new to be born says the Lord. And how true it is... as ALL of Gunnar's tests for trisomies, and his anatomy scan all came back CLEAR and he is growing so big, and strong! I look up to the sky and talk to Ethan and God daily and thank them for watching over Gunnar and our other kids. I thank them for blessing us with another precious boy. 21 weeks down...19 more to go. I cant wait to hold this baby is my arms. 

Many people say their "rainbow" baby healed their broken hearts, I look forward to that day.