8 Months- Big Brother!

Today marks 8 months since Ethan went to be with Jesus. I know he is safe and without pain, but I miss him so much. We announced our pregnancy on July 11th to our families and we were beyond excited to finally share the news. Our kids have been waiting on pins and needles the last few months for us to say "WE'RE PREGNANT AGAIN". They are just as anxious to bring a baby home as we are. The MaterniT21 test went great, no trisomies and we are having a BOY! Next will be the anatomy scan at the end of August. I thought that having the first test done I would breathe more but I am still anxious, come to find out. I think of our kids and how I do not want them to go through loosing another sibling again. The pain that loosing Ethan caused on all 3 of our kids broke my heart. I don't want to see them hurt again by it so I think until Gunnar is here it won't really seem real that I'm pregnant. I pray hard every night that Gunnar is growing healthy, strong and that he will be perfectly healthy and will come home with us. I just have to have faith that God has given us the desires of our hearts. I've read this verse so much over the last 8 months: 

I have felt like this means exactly what it says, and that God SENT us Gunnar! It's only the devil trying to instill fear in me....and fear, is a liar!

On Tuesday we went and visited Ethan like we always do on his birthdate and made him this special ribbon, "BIG BROTHER!". 

It's hard to believe we are pregnant again when it seems like he was just safe in my womb not too long ago. I think being pregnant makes me more emotional than usual but also I forget sometimes its not him. Even the kids have came up to my belly and said "I love you Ethan, I mean Gunnar". Confused, because it wasn't too long ago it was him in there, when things were still ok, at least to our knowledge. It hasn't really dawned on me everything we missed out on with Ethan till just the last few days. Watching videos with random babies laughing, playing and learning new things reminds me that we lost all of those memories too. My heart still aches for him, but I am holding on to the promise of heaven with him. I am also holding on to this sweet boy growing inside me now that God has given us. We had a desire in our heart to have another child just over a year ago, and I know God will fulfill the desires of our hearts. 

7 Months

I think I am getting worse by the month on keeping up with my blog. I don't really know if its because I have been coping much better without Ethan, if it's because it's summer and we just stay busy, or a combination of it all. Either way, I am still missing our sweet boy but I think I have had a few moments of coming full circle. Like getting his headstone finished finally brought that chapter to an end. 

This month on Colton's birthday we received our "Molly Bear" that weighs exactly as much as Ethan did at birth. 4lbs 13oz. It is definitely more dense than he was, but the principle of it all pulls on my heart. We put the outfit that he was supposed to wear home, but instead wore when he went home to be with our Heavenly Father on the bear. It fit the bear just right and I just held that bear and cried a bit thinking of what it would've been like to hold my baby boy just one more time. 

I have been around a few babies lately close to Ethans age and I just think of all we are missing out on without him here. It definitely sucks but I have to remind myself he wasn't meant for this world. I think about what he will look like once I get to heaven and I honestly can't even imagine. A lot of that is because I still ponder whether or not the babies we loose with still be a baby in heaven or grown to be close to Jesus age. 

Today actually on my time-hop showed this day last year was our gender reveal day. We found out our little baby E was a precious boy!! Daddy was right....again! I am so thankful for all the sweet memories we have of Ethan even the ones when he was still growing in my belly. 

-Until next time-

6 Months

6 Months~

I can't believe I forgot to post Ethan's 6 month post. I guess with the remembrance walk post last month I just over looked the date. This month was very bitter sweet as we finally got Ethan's marker. It turned out beautifully! We were so pleased with the final product, after a return of the previous marker since they made it with the incorrect bronze color. We have had a few hiccups in the road since the marker was placed too, including a trash bin being set up right by Ethans spot by the beautiful tree we picked. I was pretty upset about it, but God has placed some amazing people in our lives and we were able to get this changed. Im sure you can imagine when you purchase a spot for your child's final resting place...not that you ever want to imagine. But only to find out they put a trash can by where you plan to spend time with your baby with your family monthly. Well anyways, we were able to get this resolved really quickly and we are just so thankful for the help we have had to make sure this happened. We are already another month closer to Ethan Henry and I feel some days the few memories I have with him fading. I hate that its not as prominent in my mind, but maybe its Gods way of protecting me and helping me heal. I have definitely cried A LOT less than I did but that makes me feel guilty. ----Ethan my love just know Mommy will NEVER forget about you----

NILMDTS Remembrance Walk

Saturday May, 12, 2017 was our first time to attend the NILMDTS Remembrance Walk. 

NILMDTS is who we have to thank for the beautiful photos of our precious Ethan. Like this photo below:

(Big sissy holding Ethan's Hand)

A few months back I saw on their facebook that they were having a fundraiser for their remembrance walk. NILMDTS was there to take photos of Ethan at no cost to our family. This was something that we would never have thought to do and we are forever grateful for the service they provided to us. This fundraiser walk was to help raise money so they can continue to do what they do and I was so happy we could sign up. 

This walk is our first, and it was amazing! There was so much to offer families, moms and siblings as resources and I met so many wonderful families who have endured a child's death. We all say its a terrible club to be in but man is it full of wonderful people! 

We had so many friends and family join us on our walk and spend the day with us honoring Ethan.

I am attaching photos from our walk below.

So thankful for events like this where we can remember our children, where we can say their names, and where we can celebrate our children with all the other families who have walked the same path we have. Loosing Ethan does not mean he did not exist. It simply means...he was just too perfect for this world! 

5 Month

5 Months

It doesn't seem like its been that long. It seems as if with each day that passes I am marking another day of when I will see our boy again. My heart still aches when I think of Ethan. The pain is still hard to deal with but I keep remembering that he was not meant for this world. 

You know no one ever prepares. you for life after loosing a child. You not prepared that life for everyone around you is still moving fast while your stuck in a world of questions, grief, emotions and just plain confusion. I am hoping with time it becomes easier to cope knowing that some people have forgotten that I am still living in a world of sadness without my son. But also living with the fact that some people just plain don't know how to act around a family who has lost a child. I just have to keep my faith and looking towards to the Lord for comfort and peace.

It has taken me a while to get to this blog entry because life has just been so busy and I haven't even had time to sit down and upload Ethan's 5 month photos from the kids and my visit. On Tuesday, April 17th the kids and I decided to take the day just the three of us to do the balloon release since Destiny was having a talent show in the evening. It was so nice that we FINALLY have sod laid out. The kids and I just sat and visited a long while on that beautiful day. I sat a long time and talked with Ethan while the kids played like they always do. I miss him so much and I want so desperately to hold him again. I have to remember that even though his earthly body is here with is his spirit is still living on in heaven with our God.

I am so thankful for my church family that works at the funeral home where Ethan's was laid to rest. My sweet friend has been keeping me up to date on the property and his marker Ethan's marker came a little while ago but unfortunately the color was wrong so it had to be sent back. I can't believe how quickly they had the new one finished and on the 23rd we finally received Ethan's marker! I haven't actually been to see it in person yet but I got a photo sent to me, and let me say how BEAUTIFUL it is!

We can finally close the chapter on this part of our story. Ethan's resting place is finally complete and now we can just enjoy sitting with him on his birthday's and not have to worry anymore about something being done or finished. I can't wait to sit and visit him with his precious photo right there.