I just can’t seem to get over this slump I’m in. I miss Ethan so much. Lately, I have been reliving the day of his birth and listening to all these doctors tell me everything wrong with him health wise. It felt like a nightmare and I just kept thinking... just wake up and this will all be gone.I think it’s natural to keep asking why? I know God has a plan for everything but I just don’t understand why Ethan had to die. Why couldn’t he heal my precious baby boy? I hate living with the disappointment and sadness our children feel, our family feels and even my husband feels. I hate that I can’t make their hurt go away. And even though I know it wasn’t my fault he died I can’t help but feel it’s my job to make the hurt stop for everyone in the midst of my grief. I read stories how people never stop hurting from the death of their child. Women’s stories of how 30 years later the hurt is still unbearable. I don’t want to have to live my whole life hurting from this, but I am just so angry and mad that my baby boy didn’t get to grow up, it’s just not fair! One day I will see him again... but will I get to raise him and watch him grow an get married and have children? I just don’t know and if I don’t my earthly body is sad because of that. I just want him back, Colton told me “Mom, I prayed Jesus would heal Ethan and bring him back to us”. It kills me inside that my sweet little boy feels this sadness and even has to pray that. I just don’t know how I will get through this.
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