I just can’t seem to get over this slump I’m in. I miss Ethan so much. Lately, I have been reliving the day of his birth and listening to all these doctors tell me everything wrong with him health wise. It felt like a nightmare and I just kept thinking... just wake up and this will all be gone.I think it’s natural to keep asking why? I know God has a plan for everything but I just don’t understand why Ethan had to die. Why couldn’t he heal my precious baby boy? I hate living with the disappointment and sadness our children feel, our family feels and even my husband feels. I hate that I can’t make their hurt go away. And even though I know it wasn’t my fault he died I can’t help but feel it’s my job to make the hurt stop for everyone in the midst of my grief. I read stories how people never stop hurting from the death of their child. Women’s stories of how 30 years later the hurt is still unbearable. I don’t want to have to live my whole life hurting from this, but I am just so angry and mad that my baby boy didn’t get to grow up, it’s just not fair! One day I will see him again... but will I get to raise him and watch him grow an get married and have children? I just don’t know and if I don’t my earthly body is sad because of that. I just want him back, Colton told me “Mom, I prayed Jesus would heal Ethan and bring him back to us”. It kills me inside that my sweet little boy feels this sadness and even has to pray that. I just don’t know how I will get through this.
My blog is a journey through our unimaginable pain, grief and healing. We welcomed Ethan into our world on November 17, 2017 only to find out the diagnosis of Trisomy 18 at birth that would only give us 4 short days with our precious boy. We are learning to live again and find our new normal.
Trisomy 18 awareness

Sleep in heavenly Peace
Wednesday, February 14, 2018
Emotions
I’m just going to put this out there and say it how it really is for me daily. It sucks!
I just can’t seem to get over this slump I’m in. I miss Ethan so much. Lately, I have been reliving the day of his birth and listening to all these doctors tell me everything wrong with him health wise. It felt like a nightmare and I just kept thinking... just wake up and this will all be gone.I think it’s natural to keep asking why? I know God has a plan for everything but I just don’t understand why Ethan had to die. Why couldn’t he heal my precious baby boy? I hate living with the disappointment and sadness our children feel, our family feels and even my husband feels. I hate that I can’t make their hurt go away. And even though I know it wasn’t my fault he died I can’t help but feel it’s my job to make the hurt stop for everyone in the midst of my grief. I read stories how people never stop hurting from the death of their child. Women’s stories of how 30 years later the hurt is still unbearable. I don’t want to have to live my whole life hurting from this, but I am just so angry and mad that my baby boy didn’t get to grow up, it’s just not fair! One day I will see him again... but will I get to raise him and watch him grow an get married and have children? I just don’t know and if I don’t my earthly body is sad because of that. I just want him back, Colton told me “Mom, I prayed Jesus would heal Ethan and bring him back to us”. It kills me inside that my sweet little boy feels this sadness and even has to pray that. I just don’t know how I will get through this.

I just can’t seem to get over this slump I’m in. I miss Ethan so much. Lately, I have been reliving the day of his birth and listening to all these doctors tell me everything wrong with him health wise. It felt like a nightmare and I just kept thinking... just wake up and this will all be gone.I think it’s natural to keep asking why? I know God has a plan for everything but I just don’t understand why Ethan had to die. Why couldn’t he heal my precious baby boy? I hate living with the disappointment and sadness our children feel, our family feels and even my husband feels. I hate that I can’t make their hurt go away. And even though I know it wasn’t my fault he died I can’t help but feel it’s my job to make the hurt stop for everyone in the midst of my grief. I read stories how people never stop hurting from the death of their child. Women’s stories of how 30 years later the hurt is still unbearable. I don’t want to have to live my whole life hurting from this, but I am just so angry and mad that my baby boy didn’t get to grow up, it’s just not fair! One day I will see him again... but will I get to raise him and watch him grow an get married and have children? I just don’t know and if I don’t my earthly body is sad because of that. I just want him back, Colton told me “Mom, I prayed Jesus would heal Ethan and bring him back to us”. It kills me inside that my sweet little boy feels this sadness and even has to pray that. I just don’t know how I will get through this.
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