April 2019

I sat and watched a few kids play with Destiny and Colton around Ethan’s age. On the outside I’m smiling and laughing...but inside, it still hurts. I image what it would have been like to see my sweet Ethan play with kids his age and chase his big brother and sister. I don’t think it ever gets easier imagining the future for a child that never will be. The pain that lies within my heart still burns deep. Ethan’s name and memory has been mentioned a lot the last few weeks and I LOVE to talk about him. But in the quiet of my home or in the car I have constantly been shedding tears over my sweet baby boy. Brent watched my “year of Ethan” video yesterday while I was in the other room but I heard the music that I paired with it and tears flooded my eyes. In the video was the announcement of our pregnancy to our family at Easter. It’s been two years since that happy day! The tears that came from our announcement in Destinys eyes and the excitement in Colton’s voice as he announced “ I’m going to be a big brother, woohoo!” To think of such a joyous moment in our life, now brings sadness. You never dream about the announcement of a pregnancy ending in a heartbreaking life change. It really puts things in perspective when you hear about someone’s pregnancy after losing a child. I constantly pray for those around me with new pregnancies hoping all will be ok with their babies. On the flip side of it, going through what I have someone may come to me one day to seek comfort through their loss. You never want to think about it that way but the reality is, that it happens way more than we care to know. Until it happened to our family I never even realized it happened so often. It’s truly heartbreaking and I wish I had answers to why for myself and others but, I don’t believe there is one. Even if there were would it truly even comfort me? The only comfort I rest with is knowing that God does not promise us tomorrow here on earth, but he does promise us eternity in heaven with him and our loved ones.
I thank all of you who take the time to read these and catch up with our family and my journey through my grief and joy of our rainbow baby! I don’t know what I would do without all the love and support of you all who walk through this with us daily! The pain comes and goes and this blog has really provided an outlet for me to let it all out after the years have subsided!

Well it seems the months have gotten away from me and now our Angel is almost 15 months old! WOW... 15 months. When I tell people that we had a son last year I have to stop and think because it wasn't last year, it will be 2 years before we know it.

Since I last wrote so much has happened. We had our 2nd Christmas without Ethan, I had a baby shower for our sweet Gunnar Henry. (We chose Henry to honor his late brother and Vis Abuelo)
But, biggest of all...we welcomed into this world Gunnar Henry Skaggs on January 6, 2019.
Our precious rainbow baby. The nerves and anticipation up to his birth came in waves. Always scared that something would be wrong. Being pregnant was no longer sweet and innocent. It was SCARY! Something I never felt before Ethan's birth.

We went in to be induced Saturday evening 1/5/19 and my labor started before they started pitocin. Gunnars birth did not go as planned as he was not coming down, I was not dilating much at first and I labored the longest I ever had with him, 17 hours. My epidural stopped working before my water broke and I had the opportunity to really experience labor like I never had before.
Once he arrived the cord was wrapped around his neck 3 times which was probably why he wasn't dropping low for my body to go into labor on my own like I had hoped I would. But I thank God and my AMAZING Doctor that I got induced cause the whole cord. thing worried me even with my pregnancy with Ethan.
He came out and was set straight onto my chest and I couldn't even open my eyes at first because I was so nervous. But once I did, my eyes flooded with tears. He is the most precious gift. A beautiful, wonderful and magnificent gift he is! I could not imagine a more beautiful child.
Gunnar has brought SO much joy to everyone around us. We have been told he looks like all our older kids, including his Big Brother Ethan.

The first few weeks were difficult some days because I began to realize I never got any of these moments with Ethan and I feel robbed of that time. But I always have to remember God's plan and I just remind myself of eternity.
I had to start calling Gunnar by his name because you always give your kids pet names and I found myself calling him Colton and Ethan(especially) and then having to pause to remember he is Gunnar. Sounds crazy but it just happens I guess. It is starting to get easier being a new mommy again and my grief currently isn’t nearly as bad as I thought it COULD be. We still miss Ethan and we think of him often and visit him every chance we get also.

What a sweet blessing Gunnar is to our family. I hope to keep up better with my blog and keep you all in the loop of our journey of joy after loss.

Happy Birthday Angel!

12 Months

Its still hard to believe its been that long since you made your "extreme" entrance earth side! As quickly as you came into this world you unfairly left us behind. I know God needed you more, but my earthly self is not happy with that. There was still so much left to do. We barely had any time together to get to know you. Even with the days we did get you so much of my time was spent filled with tears and agony that I couldn't enjoy you the way I should've and so desperately wanted to. How I miss your tender cry and your tiny frail body, I can still feel you laying in my arms for the very first time! Over 12 hours had went by before I could even hold you, it took 3 long hours before I even had seen your precious face. Too many hours in between of not being right by your side. How have we been able to go on in the last 12 months with out you? It's only by the grace of God and knowing that God will fulfill his promise and we will see you again in heaven! Heaven will be sweeter, it already is knowing a huge piece of my heart is already there. You already know me more than anyone else and you will be there to welcome me with open arms when the time comes for me to go home. Ethan Henry Skaggs Mommy love you so much and I still ache without you but I will never forget you and we will always make sure your life is never forgotten. You have touched so many hearts of dear family and friends, you aren't even here yet you live on here everyday.

Today we spent one of the most beautiful days of the season outside right side you celebrating your life! From your birthday cupcakes, memory candles, balloons, a few precious items of yours...to the AMAZING amount of bears that were donated to Cook Children's in your precious name! Your celebration of life was more beautiful than I could have ever imagined. We all gathered around with joy as your brother, sister and many other kids played with laughter! I could not have imagined a more beautiful way to celebrate your birthday without you here.

Even a little love from our friends in Utah!

Dropping off all the donated bears! Thank you to everyone for your contributions!

11 Months

11 Months

Today I finally made our sweet angel a new fall arrangement! We had a little trouble keeping all 11 balloons alive and ran out of helium in the process, but I know he doesn't mind! Almost your birthday son!! We love you!

10 Months

<3 Here are a few photos from Ethans 10 Month balloon release. <3

Happy 9 Months Big Brother

*9 Months closer to seeing our baby boy*

(Destiny and Colton visiting with baby Ethan in NICU)

This month the kids and I went and visited our precious Ethan. This month we even got a bit of our growing baby Gunnar in on the photos. I look forward to visiting Ethan as its been helping me coupe with him being gone. I love that the tree near him is getting bigger and we get just the right amount of shade as we visit and talk to him. The grass is coming in nicely and its just nice to sit and feel close to him. 

 I miss his sweet little face and I cant help but wonder what he's doing up there in heaven. What would month 9 be for us if he was here?

 The big kids started school so he and I would be spending lots of undivided attention together. On my Fridays off and the kids at school he and I would be napping together, laughing, and I would be playing silly games like peek-a-boo and pat-a-cake. I don't know if I will ever get to do that with him...even in heaven. Will he be a grown man? Will be still be little? How does it all work? We will never know till our day comes to be with Jesus, but a Momma cant help but wonder. 

Some questions are left unanswered but I know that my God is a sovereign and great God. I have somehow made it through loosing my son, having to leave his lifeless body after only 4 short days being spent with him and placing his fragile body in the ground. If I can go through all of that I know God will get me through all trials in my life. There is no way I could have ever made it to where I am 9 months later with out my God. 

I worried for months on how my kids would ever get over this. They never had time to prepare, none of us did. They just knew they were getting a baby brother and soon after they got him, they lost him. But I see my kids smiling with joy and excited to meet another new baby brother. There is much innocence lost with being pregnant again but their innocence of still loving another brother is there and how could that be without Jesus!!!

 I always come back to this verse. Isaiah 66:9. I will not cause pain without allowing something new to be born says the Lord. And how true it is... as ALL of Gunnar's tests for trisomies, and his anatomy scan all came back CLEAR and he is growing so big, and strong! I look up to the sky and talk to Ethan and God daily and thank them for watching over Gunnar and our other kids. I thank them for blessing us with another precious boy. 21 weeks down...19 more to go. I cant wait to hold this baby is my arms. 

Many people say their "rainbow" baby healed their broken hearts, I look forward to that day. 

8 Months- Big Brother!

Today marks 8 months since Ethan went to be with Jesus. I know he is safe and without pain, but I miss him so much. We announced our pregnancy on July 11th to our families and we were beyond excited to finally share the news. Our kids have been waiting on pins and needles the last few months for us to say "WE'RE PREGNANT AGAIN". They are just as anxious to bring a baby home as we are. The MaterniT21 test went great, no trisomies and we are having a BOY! Next will be the anatomy scan at the end of August. I thought that having the first test done I would breathe more but I am still anxious, come to find out. I think of our kids and how I do not want them to go through loosing another sibling again. The pain that loosing Ethan caused on all 3 of our kids broke my heart. I don't want to see them hurt again by it so I think until Gunnar is here it won't really seem real that I'm pregnant. I pray hard every night that Gunnar is growing healthy, strong and that he will be perfectly healthy and will come home with us. I just have to have faith that God has given us the desires of our hearts. I've read this verse so much over the last 8 months: 

I have felt like this means exactly what it says, and that God SENT us Gunnar! It's only the devil trying to instill fear in me....and fear, is a liar!

On Tuesday we went and visited Ethan like we always do on his birthdate and made him this special ribbon, "BIG BROTHER!". 

It's hard to believe we are pregnant again when it seems like he was just safe in my womb not too long ago. I think being pregnant makes me more emotional than usual but also I forget sometimes its not him. Even the kids have came up to my belly and said "I love you Ethan, I mean Gunnar". Confused, because it wasn't too long ago it was him in there, when things were still ok, at least to our knowledge. It hasn't really dawned on me everything we missed out on with Ethan till just the last few days. Watching videos with random babies laughing, playing and learning new things reminds me that we lost all of those memories too. My heart still aches for him, but I am holding on to the promise of heaven with him. I am also holding on to this sweet boy growing inside me now that God has given us. We had a desire in our heart to have another child just over a year ago, and I know God will fulfill the desires of our hearts.