Grief

Well it finally happened....My hospital bracelet fell off. I knew it was going to happen soon because I could tell it was dry rotting.  This was the last thing I wanted to happen considering how much the last 5 days or so have sucked!

I have been doing all I can to stay in the word to keep my spirits up. This morning I opened up my "peace in his presence" book and this is what I opened up to.

"Accept each day just as it comes to you. Do not waste your time and energy wishing for a different set of circumstances. Instead, TRUST me enough to yield to MY design and purposes." 

The Lord gives strength to his people; the Lord blesses his people with peace

Psalm 29:11

I don't think things like this happen by chance. This HAS to be God! I literally told Brent this morning how sorry I was for being sad all over again and I am trying to move past it. He of course told me " Theres no reason to stop being sad. Remember its ok to not be ok, don't apologize for your feelings" It's ok to feel how I am feeling right now, it's all a part of the grieving process. 

I think I will take 4 steps forward and 3 steps back more often than I know. 

Everything triggers my emotions, music, words, pictures, thoughts, even my own dear sweet babies. Yesterday, my dad text me with this. I was happy and sad all at the same time.

I was reading this other amazing book called "Grieving the child I never knew" this morning In the section I read today it was talking about the two women who stood in front of king Solomon. The one who held a baby and the other a empty blanket. 

1 Kings 3:16-28

It said sometimes facing reality is too painful and denying the loss is a temporary way to survive. Maybe when I am "ok" its because I am not fully dealing with the loss of Ethan. I know in the right time God will help me to face the reality and cope with loosing Ethan. 

Grief is a funny thing. Just when you think you have began to deal with it and get to the last of the stages of grief, you begin all over again. No one can prepare for loosing their child, no one can even imagine if you have never picked out your childs' headstone and casket. Even as a mother I have dealt with Ethan's death much different than Brent and the kids. I carried him for 9 months, I felt him before he was born. Does it mean my grief is any more important? No, not at all, but yes, its different. I had to realize that because I feel like I'm the only one in the house sometimes crying DAILY! I am so blessed to have a husband and children who get it! We established early on with Colton, mommy is going to cry....ALOT!

I was very disappointed as you know that Ethans temporary headstone was not there on Christmas Day. We haven't gone to check it since then.

Well my Dad sent this to me and it's here! He went and spent some time with our Ethan and I am so glad he did because now we can plan to go visit him and see it for ourselves. I want to end this blog entry with a song that really speaks to me right now. I hope you all have a great rest of the 2017 year!

Ethan Henry Skaggs Memorial Fund