On Saturday Brent and I finally went and ordered Ethan's headstone, once you pay for a headstone they then place a temporary on the grave until the permanent one is in place. I spoke about in my other blog (mentioned Here) I was really sad visiting him without a headstone. So I asked them to try and get the temporary headstone placed by Christmas if possible and how much it would mean to me. So much to my disappointment there was not a headstone when we went to see Ethan today for Christmas.
We had bought him some Christmas flowers just in case, the temporary has a vase and I was looking forward to making it look nicer.
If I am honest I have been crying since our candlelight service at church yesterday evening. It's been a lot harder than I had originally thought it would be at Christmas. This morning I made to sure to put Ethans blanket (that I sleep with and add thieves to nightly) and Destiny brought his bear ( that she sleeps with ) from the hospital on the couch with us as they opened presents.
Though today was wonderful to be with my Destiny, Colton and Brent we were missing Ethan and big brother Dustin so it just didn't feel much like Christmas. I sat this morning as we watched the kids play thinking I should be sitting here with Ethan, nursing, snuggling and completely exhausted from being up every two hours and being woke up at 6am from the kids to open presents. But I wasn't I was sad and I don't think I fully enjoyed this day as I should with my children. I hope in time the holidays will become less painful, but for now it's tough.
I hope that everyone enjoyed Christmas with their loved ones and that you don't take for granted one moment with your children no matter their age. Love on them, pray for them and be there with and for them all you can.
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