Today was a good day. Brent, the kids and I went and had family photos done. I had almost decided not to send out Christmas cards this year after loosing Ethan and not being able to send Family Christmas photos with him in them. But about sometime a week ago I felt like it was only right to still do family photos with our Angel Ethan in them even though he is not here on earth with us anymore.
I decided to take a photo from Ethan's “now I lay me down to sleep” photos and have it blown up on a canvas to include in our family photos. The lady at the photo counter was so helpful and she innocently asked me if the photo was of my son and how precious he is, and them asked, how old is he? This was the first time to talk to a complete stranger about Ethan. I could’ve just said "he’s almost three weeks old", but I just word vomited and told her “oh, he passed away.” Her face immediately fell flat and she came to me and gave me a hug and apologized. How was she to know? She asked a question that is only natural for anyone to ask. The crazy thing is that I was ok saying it out loud. I find it therapeutic almost to talk about him, no matter the context. I guess its just my way of keeping his spirit alive. I don't ever want to STOP talking about him because he's not in my arms. Does it still hurt? Yes of course, but I don't want to just pretend he didn't exist. I have never loved someone or something so hard and so deeply for such a short period of time, so its hard for me to even remember those short 4 days sometimes because it was so brief. I don't ever want to forget about him or pretend it didn't happen. Its like that feeling when you have anticipated it for so long, like a wedding day and its over just like THAT. Its almost that same feeling, but accompanied by heartache and pain. Its hard to believe I was pregnant, carrying my precious baby just three weeks ago, and now he's gone. I guess its harder to believe it because I have "empty arms".
So after talking to Brent when we were asked to "Look at him" in the photos he avoided looking because for him its harder to even look at the photos right now. I can't stop looking at them because of his brief time here I just want to burn those images in my brain daily and remember those precious moments of "awe" I had watching him sleep and breath.
I look forward to sharing our family photos with you soon.
<3 <3 ETHAN HENRY SKAGGS <3 <3
Monday, December 11, 2017
It occasionally takes me a couple days to complete a blog entry and I'm still learning how I want this all set up. But today I finished the above entry I started on Saturday and then I'm continuing from here......
After talking with a friend last night I realize more and more. I WANT to talk about him, I WANT people to mention Ethan. It's true in everything I read when they say this. So please say his name, ask me about his "smell", which crazy enough was like "Thieves". The nurse said it was the glue they used for his Picc Line. I don't care what it was I will always think of Ethan when I smell thieves. Its those small precious memories of him that will help me each day. Ethan was and IS our child, just because he's not here on earth doesn't mean he wasn't real to us, I think it helps me personally heal.
I have struggled some days because some people don't know how to approach us or even talk to us. I don't think anyone does if they have not dealt with loosing a child, picked out a casket and buried their own child. Some people may be mad or upset with us because of how were grieving or how we have dealt with this loss. That's OK if they are, I have learned from many people during this journey thus far that we don't owe anyone anything. This is something we were never prepared for and how we deal with it is up to us, we are not to feel guilty or bad if its not how people think we should approach this journey. There is no right or wrong way to do this, all I know if that I am thankful for everyone that has done nothing but be there for us and ask nothing of us. Our wounds may not hurt as much as they did two weeks ago but let me tell you, the wounds are still open. It still hurts to think our baby is gone, it breaks my heart that we made room in our hearts and home for sweet Ethan only to come home empty handed. I used to think "how do people go through that?" I still don't know and we are walking this broken road right now. But I know God is for us and he ALWAYS has had a plan for us. He blessed us with each and everyone of our babies and though one is resting in heaven he was made in his image and one day we will know why his death was just a part of our journey.
“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those who are crushed in spirit.” (Psalm 34:18)
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