Well, I'll be honest, not much has changed since my last blog. I have been dealing with a battlefield of my own mind. I wish I could find a way to just shut off my brain when it comes to overthinking, I even had a hard time concentrating on the word because I will stop if it applied to me and begin to over analyze. It really is a burden when I am trying to really put effort into my relationship with Christ. I am reading the book of Psalms right now and I am really enjoying it. I can honestly say I know bible verses and stories from the Bible but I have never actually "read" the Bible. It's a life application study bible and I LOVE IT! I read this article talking about "Grief Brain." It seemed silly to read at first but then I realized I must have a bit of that going on. I am definitely not as sharp as I once was, because the emotion of things going on in my head and gears constantly turning all are happening in the midst of a fog. It's a strange feeling to have on top of everything else I feel. I think If I constantly keep my mind in the word I can make it out of this stronger than I was.
I believe I have lost track of the journey I was already on with Christ before Ethan's death. Though my journey is a little deeper now, my goals are still the same. To glorify Gods name, to grow in my faith and relationship with God and that one day my reward will be going home to heaven, which will be so much sweeter with Ethan there. At the beginning of this all I waned to know answers about heaven and answers to why and how because of Ethan. Now, I just am trying to understand those things because I just honestly never had the knowledge. (Don't get me wrong some days it's because of Ethan too.)
I have wanted to be as positive as possible over the last two months, its definitely been hard because life around me is still going on as if Ethan was never here or died. I am constantly distracted by negative people and things trying to knock me down. I am going to use it for motivation to keep striving to get stronger in my walk and become a better wife and mother for my children. The devil knows I am distracted right now and I think he is using things to distract me from what I am trying to accomplish. I am still working on a few projects in honor of Ethan, but there has been SO much distraction, and honestly there are some days where I just want to lay down on the couch, watch TV, take naps and do nothing, that honestly is the worst thing I can do because I just get down. I am so thankful for the amazing friends and family that have just wrapped us in love. I am thankful for the positive and uplifting things people will say to me and just help me get through another day, so many reaching out and checking in on me really means the world to me. I do not know how I could've gotten through this without the people God has placed in my life before, after and during this time.
Thanks for everyone who has followed along with me in my blog and I may not be writing as frequently but I hope you enjoy when I do. Please feel free to share my blog on your page also.
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