Trust

Well we are on our last weekend since Christmas break with the kids and we are getting ready for our daily routine to set in. I have to admit, I have mixed feelings about it. But I think I will always feel this way when things begin to "change." Each new season, kids school break, new school year and even going back to work is going to be a major adjustment. It's always going to be hard learning to adjust to our new normal. I am ready for the routine to be set and going with the kids, but I am not going back to work just yet. I am glad so I can finally have time down time by myself to really process and get things done before time to go back, but I am also a little nervous. My emotions have been up and down. I have more good days than bad but I feel like when there is a big event or something major that changes my daily routine I feel myself getting down. I hate that part about grief. 
I am always overthinking every little thing as well as trying to control the situation. I think having ZERO control over Ethan's health and not being able to fix everything has really made my control/anxiety worse. I have been making sure to read my daily devotionals and keeping my head in the word so that I will remember God's promises. But here lies the problem...Can you trust God and also be in control of your life at the same time? (if thats a thing) What I mean by that is do you sit back and just let life happen? How do you say “Lord let your will be done”, and also say God knows the desires of our hearts. Does that mean that his will and our desires will be the same?
 I have always struggled, an I mean really struggled hearing God. Sometimes I will say "Ok God, you have control and ultimately you are in control and let your will be done." Then there goes my brain again, researching, wondering and thinking. It's like just when I think I have peace, I start to think again. So I am wondering, is that the devil trying to trick me into not trusting God?" Could it be God telling me ok don't give up just yet? I don't know, I know God has never steered me wrong in life and I know that when I trust him it all works out for his good. But I also know that there is that little part of me that is just plain scared. I guess because of Ethan being born with Trisomy 18 and him being taken from us so soon, I am scared of...well basically everything right now. So I think I have reservations at just feeling like it's all going to be okay. Its so hard to hear God, maybe Im just not letting myself hear him, maybe its just me not trusting him completely somewhere deep down and I don't even know it. Please pray for me that I can hear God's plan for what's next, so I can truly trust him and give him all control over my life.

After I published this blog I came across this on the internet. If you have the time take it to read.

http://theprayingwoman.com/when-trusting-god-is-hard-4-things-you-should-realize/