3 Months

It seems unreal that it's been 3 months since Ethan made his early arrival into this world. I can still remember the every detail of this day, and I hope I never forget. This unthinkable event has forever changed me, my husband and our three living children's lives. It's odd though, somedays (not like this last week) it seems like its normal for us not to have a baby at home. But I still long for it, more than I once did before his conception. God knows the desires of our hearts and as much as I try to press them down during grief I can't help but feel it. I want him to wrap his precious little hand around my finger like infant babies do, I want to smell his new baby skin and kiss his tiny little head. As a mother we always miss those things about our children as they grow old, but its a strange feeling knowing you just can't kiss or touch them again. I have never experienced loss like this, so its hard to think what this will feel like in 5, 10 or even 20 years. One of our kids today, as we were writing words of love on the balloon to release for Ethan said, 

'even when he is old will we still write these"?, but then stopped because it hit them that he will never "be old". So we will just always remember him as Baby Ethan and not just Ethan. 

When picking out his name Brent and I wanted a name that sounded strong and memorable. Not for the reasons we have now, but as a man how it would sound, as a father, college football player,(parents can dream) or whatever impressionable career he chose as a grown man. It saddens me even more thinking he will never have that opportunity here on earth, and then of course I still wonder. Will he get to "grow" in heaven? Or on the new earth one day? All of these questions flood my head as Im sure it does for most of us cause no one can really fathom heaven and whats to come in life after death. Whatever it may be, I pray that God can reveal things to me to help me have understanding, to help me feel peace, and help me to heal from this hurt.I have too many questions to ever be answered now and I hope to have peace that passes understanding. 

On a side note, Brent and I finally finalized Ethan's headstone and all that goes with it. So I am hoping that things will finally begin on their end and we will have his permanent headstone before too long.

Thank you all for your love and support you have shown us this week!