a new me

I have found myself feeling like I am not the person I was before Ethan. I spent the last 31 years discovering the person that I thought was and who God wanted me to be. Since Ethan's death I found myself feeling confused on who I am now. I thought I had somewhat found my calling a few years ago and now I feel like there is something more God wants to use me for. I think on top of feeling lost without our Ethan here, I am realizing there is something more I am meant to do. While some may find that to be exciting, I am scared. I feel like I am going to have to discover a new me before I can find that and I was just getting used to the woman God was molding me to be. The world around me is constantly changing, my kids are growing and entering new stages of life, family dynamic is always changing too. There is so much going on and with all of this I feel like some days I can't even catch my breath. Then, there are days where it all stands still, as if I am in a limbo wondering what God has in store for me next. I feel the attack from the devil more now than ever. You would think with loosing a child the rest would just be easy, but it hasn't been. I am constantly looking to God going, " OK God, If you can just put up a shield around my family and keep your guardian angels with us too, I would appreciate it." Its scary not feeling normal and feeling like you just can't handle anymore sadness, anger or DRAMA! I just need a break from reality! 

I am learning there is no one way to grief, no one way to heal and that I need to seek Christ first before anything. I have to admit its hard at times. I rely on my husband to be the one to meet my needs, when I know I should be looking to the Lord. I just know the bond we created while clinging to each other in that hospital as we wondered what was next I felt like we had that "oneness" thats talked about in the Bible. But now life is still moving and God I think keeps trying to show me we can still have that but that God comes first even before my husband. A friend recently reminded me of this when I was feeling down. It's so hard to do that right now when I am still questioning God why Ethan had to die, why him, why us and why now? Of all the people in the world, and all the love we had for him, why did he see it fit to choose Ethan. I don't think I will ever really know why here on earth. But I hope to have some peace so that I can look back to Christ in my suffering so I can find me again.