Wow...it's been 4 months since Ethan came into this world. This month is honestly a tough one. This is the month Brent and I conceived Ethan and on Easter of last year we revealed to our family we were expecting our sweet baby! Mentally I have been Okay the last week and a half, but I think thats mainly because we were on Spring Break enjoying some much needed time off and away from reality. It's really hard to hit these milestones that we know Ethan should be here for, but thats just not the way it is. We all have to take it one day at a time and trust in the Lord's plan. Now, I know that there is always a purpose for his plan but it doesn't mean I like it. I may be able to express the words without crying right now, but there's very far and few between moments that I am not an emotional wreck that our baby is not here. If Ethan was here today I know he would be learning to roll over from tummy to back, reaching for toys and my jewelry as I held him. He would be changing so much in his looks loosing that "infant look" and beginning to sleep through the night...maybe? So many things I am missing right now that I wish I could be doing with him. Watching his brothers and sister love on him and tell him how much they love him. They still tell him how much they love and miss him all the time, but just not the way I would wish it could be...well I said I wasn't crying before, and now here comes the tears thinking of what were missing.
This month is also Trisomy awareness month. We celebrated Trisomy 18 awareness day on March 18th (3/18) by all wearing our "Ethan Shirts". These shirts bring me so much joy, it's a way to feel like he's with me in spirit. This month is full of so much awareness of T-18 but I honestly know that Ethan was more than just a child with a diagnosis, Ethan touched lives...he TOUCHES lives daily! His life has purpose, his death...has purpose!
Our precious boy is missed so much and there is not a single day that goes by that I don't think of him. Today I am missing him so much as I went back to work, especially as I go through things that used to have his name on it, but now is gone. Those little moments are the ones that really sting the most. I can go upstairs in his room and it's empty but its still his and still has all his things. Places that "used" to be for him is what makes it very real and really hard to stomach most days. I know God is working on me and healing my spirit day by day and pulling me back together. But I just can't help but miss what "was". The last year of my life was such a precious journey and now I am just having to get used to the new one God is preparing me for.
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