I have these moments where I feel as if Ethan was never here. I am so heartbroken we only had 4 short days with our boy. I know God is working on my heart daily. It doesn’t sting as bad as it did before when I think about him being here and gone. But nonetheless it still hurts. I Don’t know why I want to but I feel like I want to talk about my hurt and pain even though I know no one will ever be able to say anything or do anything to make it go away. It’s odd how talking about Ethan doesn’t make me sad but seeing others with their babies or watching others children be big brothers or sisters to their younger sibling is like a knife in my heart. I guess I am just still so sad for our children who lost their little brother. I am sad when I think of 9 months that I grew this precious life in my body and preparing to nurture him and care for him for his whole life. But yet here I am sitting In Chicago with my children and husband trying to get over this loss and I feel guilty. It’s like I know I’m my heart I should be caring for a baby and no longer have a baby here with us and I feel so out of place. I think that’s what it is. I spent this year mentally preparing for being a mom to an infant again and I am not getting to do that and it flat out SUCKS! I want to be caring for a newborn right now. I want to be a “mombie” who is running on coffee and Jesus to trying to function. Instead I’m getting 7 (still restless) hours of sleep, I don’t smell of spit up and dirty diapers. Everything feels so off because of all those little things. It’s the strangest feeling, I just feel sad and I’m missing Ethan tonight.
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