3 Months

It seems unreal that it's been 3 months since Ethan made his early arrival into this world. I can still remember the every detail of this day, and I hope I never forget. This unthinkable event has forever changed me, my husband and our three living children's lives. It's odd though, somedays (not like this last week) it seems like its normal for us not to have a baby at home. But I still long for it, more than I once did before his conception. God knows the desires of our hearts and as much as I try to press them down during grief I can't help but feel it. I want him to wrap his precious little hand around my finger like infant babies do, I want to smell his new baby skin and kiss his tiny little head. As a mother we always miss those things about our children as they grow old, but its a strange feeling knowing you just can't kiss or touch them again. I have never experienced loss like this, so its hard to think what this will feel like in 5, 10 or even 20 years. One of our kids today, as we were writing words of love on the balloon to release for Ethan said, 

'even when he is old will we still write these"?, but then stopped because it hit them that he will never "be old". So we will just always remember him as Baby Ethan and not just Ethan. 

When picking out his name Brent and I wanted a name that sounded strong and memorable. Not for the reasons we have now, but as a man how it would sound, as a father, college football player,(parents can dream) or whatever impressionable career he chose as a grown man. It saddens me even more thinking he will never have that opportunity here on earth, and then of course I still wonder. Will he get to "grow" in heaven? Or on the new earth one day? All of these questions flood my head as Im sure it does for most of us cause no one can really fathom heaven and whats to come in life after death. Whatever it may be, I pray that God can reveal things to me to help me have understanding, to help me feel peace, and help me to heal from this hurt.I have too many questions to ever be answered now and I hope to have peace that passes understanding. 

On a side note, Brent and I finally finalized Ethan's headstone and all that goes with it. So I am hoping that things will finally begin on their end and we will have his permanent headstone before too long.

Thank you all for your love and support you have shown us this week! 

Emotions

I’m just going to put this out there and say it how it really is for me daily. It sucks!
 I just can’t seem to get over this slump I’m in. I miss Ethan so much. Lately, I have been reliving the day of his birth and listening to all these doctors tell me everything wrong with him health wise. It felt like a nightmare and I just kept thinking... just wake up and this will all be gone.I think it’s natural to keep asking why? I know God has a plan for everything but I just don’t understand why Ethan had to die. Why couldn’t he heal my precious baby boy? I hate living with the disappointment and sadness our children feel, our family feels and even my husband feels. I hate that I can’t make their hurt go away. And even though I know it wasn’t my fault he died I can’t help but feel it’s my job to make the hurt stop for everyone in the midst of my grief. I read stories how people never stop hurting from the death of their child. Women’s stories of how 30 years later the hurt is still unbearable. I don’t want to have to live my whole life hurting from this, but I am just so angry and mad that my baby boy didn’t get to grow up, it’s just not fair! One day I will see him again... but will I get to raise him and watch him grow an get married and have children? I just don’t know and if I don’t my earthly body is sad because of that. I just want him back, Colton told me “Mom, I prayed Jesus would heal Ethan and bring him back to us”. It kills me inside that my sweet little boy feels this sadness and even has to pray that. I just don’t know how I will get through this.

The Story of you

The Story of Ethan Henry Skaggs



Ethan was meant to be a part of our family. Was it long enough? Not even in the least. If I could change the circumstances and allow him to be apart of our family for decades I would! There is a place in my heart that is forever empty because of his death. but there is also a space that was filled by his short lived life. "Getting on with life" has been hard, the kids even have good days and bad. One thing that is true, is Ethan has a story, from beginning to end. Each moment is and always will be a part of his story. Here's a little bit of the story of Ethan Henry.


Since Colton was 2 years old I began to have the desires in my heart to have another child, I felt as if our family was missing a little someone, at the time Brent and I did not see eye to eye on this subject. It's true when they say, God's timing is perfect, because I'm not sure what the outcome would have been had Ethan been born 3 years ago. We had been growing closer in our walk with Christ for about 2 years together. Our marriage had been broken and healed many years before but spiritually there was still need for growth. In 2017 Brent and I were in Re|Engage at church learning to grow closer spiritually with Christ and within our marriage. This was honestly such a life changing class for us. We learned about "oneness" and finally began to see the purpose of our marriage. In March Brent took me aside before our friends rehearsal dinner to talk to me. We had been trying to figure out new bedroom furniture for the kids and also trying to sell the old stuff. He told me he finally figured it out. He said "Ok, lets sell Destiny's bunk bed, move her into the room with the balcony, move Colton over to her room and get him a new bedroom set, and lets convert his bed back to a crib". "I'm sorry, what? Why would we put his bed back as a crib"? I asked. "For another baby, lets have another baby"! He said. I was so confused at his comment that I literally did not believe him. I told him not to mess with me because thats just mean! He was not kidding at all! I asked him what changed his mind? Brent has said many time he believes that God speaks to him through through others. He said he felt like God was telling him it was time to add to our family! Lucky for us we had a vacation booked for Mexico to FINALLY have a honeymoon...11 years later!
It didn't take long before we found out we were pregnant with Ethan and we announced this at Easter with our families, then to all our other friends and family on Mother's Day!
I know as years pass my facebook will continue to show when we announced our pregnancy, when we found out Baby E was a BOY, and all the sweet memories in between.It's going to be so hard knowing the anticipation for what we thought would be is no more... here on earth. I wish I could change it, I wish I could do something to make things different so that he could be here and we could watch him grow, go to school, graduate, go to college, get married and watch him with his own family. I wish all the previous mentioned was a part of Ethan's story. But that was not what we were given, I strive each day to try and find normalcy in each moment. I miss Ethan SO much, I wish I could've taken his place and taken his pain for him. I'm not sure why God called him home so early but each moment of his life had a purpose, a plan and as our pastor said he's " Preaching sermons daily" it's all a part of his story!

Happy 2 Months Ethan

Today marks 2 months since (one of the) Best and THE Worst days of our lives. We welcomed a beautiful baby boy into the world and also were told his condition of trisomy 18 along with so many things "wrong" with him. How can one day be so exciting and terrifying as this? It is THE worst pain we have ever felt and I don't think time will ever really heal it. I so badly want to curl up most days and cry, sleep and not say a word. I know this is not what Ethan would want from me nor does God, that doesn't always stop me from feeling this way. I am trying to hold it all together but I don't feel I am doing it very well. For those who ask how I'm doing, but know if I say I am OK or Good, Im not. That's just the honest truth. I miss our boy and I want him here. I want to be sitting with him now and watching him reach new milestones this month like trying to smile, finally recognizing things in his surroundings, finally holding your head more steading and sucking on your fingers. I want to be watching him grow and see your big brother play peek-a-boo with you and your big sister constantly ask "Can I hold him now?" Ethan Daddy, sissy and your big brothers miss you SO SO much! 

Today the family and I went and did our balloon release for his 2 month birthday. The kids both wrote sweet notes to him to attach to the balloons and then we wrote notes on the balloons. I made a new arrangement for his temp headstone and added a few sweet touches. Doesn’t seem like enough but it’ll do for now. Happy 2 months our sweet beautiful baby boy.We miss you our sweet Angel Baby!

Grief Brain

Well, I'll be honest, not much has changed since my last blog. I have been dealing with a battlefield of my own mind. I wish I could find a way to just shut off my brain when it comes to overthinking, I even had a hard time concentrating on the word because I will stop if it applied to me and begin to over analyze. It really is a burden when I am trying to really put effort into my relationship with Christ. I am reading the book of Psalms right now and I am really enjoying it. I can honestly say I know bible verses and stories from the Bible but I have never actually "read" the Bible. It's a life application study bible and I LOVE IT! I read this article talking about "Grief Brain." It seemed silly to read at first but then I realized I must have a bit of that going on. I am definitely not as sharp as I once was, because the emotion of things going on in my head and gears constantly turning all are happening in the midst of a fog. It's a strange feeling to have on top of everything else I feel. I think If I constantly keep my mind in the word I can make it out of this stronger than I was.
I believe I have lost track of the journey I was already on with Christ before Ethan's death. Though my journey is a little deeper now, my goals are still the same. To glorify Gods name, to grow in my faith and relationship with God and that one day my reward will be going home to heaven, which will be so much sweeter with Ethan there. At the beginning of this all I waned to know answers about heaven and answers to why and how because of Ethan. Now, I just am trying to understand those things because I just honestly never had the knowledge. (Don't get me wrong some days it's because of Ethan too.)
I have wanted to be as positive as possible over the last two months, its definitely been hard because life around me is still going on as if Ethan was never here or died. I am constantly distracted by negative people and things trying to knock me down. I am going to use it for motivation to keep striving to get stronger in my walk and become a better wife and mother for my children. The devil knows I am distracted right now and I think he is using things to distract me from what I am trying to accomplish. I am still working on a few projects in honor of Ethan, but there has been SO much distraction, and honestly there are some days where I just want to lay down on the couch, watch TV, take naps and do nothing, that honestly is the worst thing I can do because I just get down. I am so thankful for the amazing friends and family that have just wrapped us in love. I am thankful for the positive and uplifting things people will say to me and just help me get through another day, so many reaching out and checking in on me really means the world to me. I do not know how I could've gotten through this without the people God has placed in my life before, after and during this time.
Thanks for everyone who has followed along with me in my blog and I may not be writing as frequently but I hope you enjoy when I do. Please feel free to share my blog on your page also.

Ethan Henry Skaggs Memorial Fund

Trust

Well we are on our last weekend since Christmas break with the kids and we are getting ready for our daily routine to set in. I have to admit, I have mixed feelings about it. But I think I will always feel this way when things begin to "change." Each new season, kids school break, new school year and even going back to work is going to be a major adjustment. It's always going to be hard learning to adjust to our new normal. I am ready for the routine to be set and going with the kids, but I am not going back to work just yet. I am glad so I can finally have time down time by myself to really process and get things done before time to go back, but I am also a little nervous. My emotions have been up and down. I have more good days than bad but I feel like when there is a big event or something major that changes my daily routine I feel myself getting down. I hate that part about grief. 
I am always overthinking every little thing as well as trying to control the situation. I think having ZERO control over Ethan's health and not being able to fix everything has really made my control/anxiety worse. I have been making sure to read my daily devotionals and keeping my head in the word so that I will remember God's promises. But here lies the problem...Can you trust God and also be in control of your life at the same time? (if thats a thing) What I mean by that is do you sit back and just let life happen? How do you say “Lord let your will be done”, and also say God knows the desires of our hearts. Does that mean that his will and our desires will be the same?
 I have always struggled, an I mean really struggled hearing God. Sometimes I will say "Ok God, you have control and ultimately you are in control and let your will be done." Then there goes my brain again, researching, wondering and thinking. It's like just when I think I have peace, I start to think again. So I am wondering, is that the devil trying to trick me into not trusting God?" Could it be God telling me ok don't give up just yet? I don't know, I know God has never steered me wrong in life and I know that when I trust him it all works out for his good. But I also know that there is that little part of me that is just plain scared. I guess because of Ethan being born with Trisomy 18 and him being taken from us so soon, I am scared of...well basically everything right now. So I think I have reservations at just feeling like it's all going to be okay. Its so hard to hear God, maybe Im just not letting myself hear him, maybe its just me not trusting him completely somewhere deep down and I don't even know it. Please pray for me that I can hear God's plan for what's next, so I can truly trust him and give him all control over my life.

After I published this blog I came across this on the internet. If you have the time take it to read.

http://theprayingwoman.com/when-trusting-god-is-hard-4-things-you-should-realize/

A Year of Ethan Henry Skaggs

If there was ever a year I couldn't wait to say good-bye to, its 2017! 

As my dear friend said" It's over, but never forgotten." It started off amazing with Brent and I doing Re|Engage at church, strengthening our marriage and growing closer to God, we thought this year will be the best YET! Then, Brent and I decided it was time to add to our crew! (Now if you ask him he said it was all him, and in his defense it really was him coming to me and saying "lets having a baby", but lets be honest, it takes two! LOL ) We made our way to Mexico to celebrate our marriage, our life and to finally take a trip without our kids and kind've have a honeymoon! The rest as they say...is history! 
I do want to end this year remembering "A Year of Ethan." From beginning to end our sweet boy was with us, and ALWAYS will be! I hope you can enjoy this video I made in remembrance of Ethan Henry Skaggs.

Ethan Henry Skaggs Memorial Fund